..omnia mutantur, nihil interit..
Never been fan of exposing my secrets or my thoughts. Usually didn't let people know what really is important to me and kept them busy with showing some fake excitements towards the less important stuff. There goes the answer to your question; I always tried to avoid writing about the most important one. I used to accept silently all the inevitable ends and my disappearances with my secrets. But, lately, I can't say I'm that good at hiding them..
Seeing the world from a pessimist's eyes isn't the best thing to live the life. Especially when you live it in a clown role with an endless positive smile. Thinking about the ends right at the beginnings and pushing my mind not to get used to anyone's existence was my basic rule. But again, lately, I couldn't do that either. Couln't stop myself thinking of a never-existing future and the existence of a stable soul with trustworthy persistence..
And I've always hated to hope for anything whole my life. I remember myself as a kid and my childish promise to myself when my luck turned me down many many times; never trust to your luck and never hope for anything. I kept my promise to the kid all my life. Always tried to be sure and never tried my chance even when I needed just a little drop from it. And yet, it's also gone.. I can't stop hoping even when there is clearly no hope..
Let the chips fall where they may
There is something twisting my tongue when I want to make just some easy talks, it grows me deaf while I listen to people, confuses my mind even in simpliest things. It makes me hope things they are impossible and hurting me inside for no certain reasons. Changes all the rules of what's right and what's wrong. Totally sounds like love, but doesn't give the butterflies either..
I let the chips fall already, you know.. I told more than I should and did way more than expected.. Still feeling that I spoke many words but said nothing. Kept "bla-bla-ing:]" since I had no idea how to put things together in my mind. But, couldn't stand on keeping everything untold either..
In manus tuas commendo spiritum meum
Anyways, I thought I could write easier than I speak, but as I see it ain't true.. Words can't fill the meanings and it gets even harder when I still try to keep thousands hidden in deep, I don't know for what reason..
It's not the fear of anything since nothing else seems that important to lose in this period of time. And it's definitely not the weakness, exhaustion or such, god knows what I could bear and how much more I can, still..
It's a fire, makes me want to scream till I lose my voice, run till I can't move anymore.. It's killing me inside watching in chains and trying to stay calm while I burn. Wanna save or wait till the time takes care of it? In manus tuas commendo spiritum meum..
Vale, regis filia..
The day after: Reading this text again and again just reminded me the feeling of waking up and seeing my face on the mirror every day; a recurring must-accept situation, but fortunately not that long (thanks to those who made it shorter with their sweet lies :] ). Back to the text, all I see here is my funny mask as I'm hiding in the whole stuff behind the metaphors and trying not to write anything remarkable. I admit, it has never been that easy to hide all in past when I was such close to you, but it's weird now that it feels twice harder to unleash it all of a sudden. There is also a bigger fact that I'm not sure how much you can bear to know when I start with saying that you are the reason why I couldn't take to stay there anymore.. The day is correct, but it didn't happen in that 40 minutes delay, I decided to leave that night when I was starring at my ceiling till the dawn.. Anyways, it seems like facts are way too nicer when they're untold, isn't it? :] Happy new year.